“Healing isn’t about changing who you are. It’s about changing how you feel about who you are.”
Hello my lovelies!
In honor of Mental Illness Awareness week, I wanted to bite my own figurative bullet and break away from my usual posts.
Today, I want to talk about my depression
Talking about my depression means that I also have to admit something to all of you: I get really sad sometimes. That sounds arbitrary and normal, I know. Everyone gets sad sometimes, right? The thing is, I’m putting it lightly. Because admitting I’ve exceeded the point of simple sadness means I have to address my actual problems, and who wants to do that? Boring, I say.
And that’s something I can say with certainty about myself; my life has certainly never been boring.
I want to tell you all of the reasons I get sad sometimes. Not because I want you to feel bad for me, that’s not the point. The point is, that pretending to be something I’m not has never worked for me. I am not always excited to put on makeup. I am not always excited to put clothes on. I am not always excited to blog, or eat, or sleep, or basically function at capacity. I am not always happy. My sadness is actually why I’ve ended up on this blog to begin with. The best artists use their emotions to their advantage.
I’m not going to detach myself by creating a bullet point list on why I’m sad sometimes. It’s impersonal, and bullet points don’t cover how I feel many days. That’s like asking me to tweet the reasons why I have a hard time getting out of bed almost every day. 140 characters doesn’t cover that shit and you know it.
Instead, I’m going to go all poetic on your asses. It’s going to be scattered. It’s going to be imperfect. It’s definitely going to be a little sad. But that’s who I am: This weird, funny, creative, sometimes-sad mess of a person, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
So, like, why do I get sad sometimes?
Good question, inner me. Shall we begin?
I get sad sometimes because of things happening in my life
I get sad sometimes because I’m not always in control
I get sad sometimes because I’m lonely, and admitting that makes it worse
I get sad sometimes because I’m more angered by events than I am delighted
I get sad sometimes because it’s tiring hearing the same drivel from people you care for
“You should work out!” “Get some sunlight” “Have you tried not being so negative?”
I get sad sometimes because “I’m here for you” is as rare as a shooting star
I get sad sometimes because it’s so much easier to be sad than it is to be happy
I get sad sometimes because “fake it till you make it” is exhausting
I get sad sometimes because my laughter is not the best medicine
I get sad sometimes because even medicine is not the best medicine
I get sad sometimes because I’m sick; I get sick sometimes because I’m sad
I get sad sometimes because I am my own worst enemy
I get sad sometimes because I admire the tree by the road a little too much
I get sad sometimes because I’d rather feel something than nothing
I get sad sometimes because I’m a needy friend
I get sad sometimes because my neediness means I have no friends
I get sad sometimes because I feel that I’m too difficult
I get sad sometimes because I feel like a terrible role model to my brother
I get sad sometimes because the thought of him being like me is terrifying
I get sad sometimes because my love for him comes out like hate
I get sad sometimes because I make others sad
I get sad sometimes because I let people in who don’t care for me
I get sad sometimes because I push away those that do care
I get sad sometimes because I love to internalize criticism
I get sad sometimes because even now when I think about it, I’m sad
Positive vibes. Positive vibes? I can’t pull positive vibes out of my ass
Most importantly and worst of all
I get sad sometimes for no fucking reason at all
All of this is to say, that my depression is a part of me, but it’s not who I am. Like my man Shrek, I am an onion with many layers, sadness being one of them. Yes, I have the ability to be happy, that was never the argument. My ability to be happy is simply made a little bit harder. That doesn’t make it not worth it, and that doesn’t mean I’m not trying. Everyone has their different meaning of what it is to be happy. For some of us, we’re still working on it. For some of us, it’s probably going to take some more time.
Having depression for as long as I’ve had boobs has molded me into the person that I am today. For better or worse. Have I been told to get over being depressed? Yeah, all the time. I’ve stopped listening to those people, because while their intentions are masked with goodness, those people want you to stay down, regardless of if they even realize it or not. Those are the people that actively fight empathy toward you, because apparently, acknowledging someone’s emotions is some sort of cardinal sin that most of us don’t know about.
Again, this isn’t about garnering pity. The idea of posting this is giving me anxiety. I know I need to get this out though, because I owe it to myself and the boatloads of other people who feel the exact same way; completely and utterly alone. I don’t want your pity or apologies, that wont fix anything. What I want is an understanding of how I feel, and an understanding that I totally get how you feel. I don’t want this to be all about me or my problems, I want this to open up a larger discussion that doesn’t have to involve me at all. I want people to feel like these corners of the internet are safe spaces to express feelings and thoughts. It doesn’t need to be profound, because sadness isn’t this enlightening idea that needs constructive criticism.
I’m taking this overwhelmingly negative thing in my life, and doing what I can to turn it into something positive. It’s a bumpy ride and not everything works out, but that’s why I chose to write about it. I’m allowed to express my negative thoughts and still find a way to make it insightful and important. After all, these discussion are important. Is it super fun? No. But getting the sex talk from your parents isn’t fun either, yet it still needs to be discussed.
Please, please, please, if you are able, take the time to check out your NAMI chapter, or National Alliance on Mental Illness. They need you, and those of us in that corner definitely need you. You don’t have to donate money, but time is highly encouraged from my end.
If you or someone you know is feeling suicidal, please call The National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255.
Most important, find some education tools on mental illness if you are unsure about anything. Mental illness is a collection of silent diseases that rarely get recognition, and it’s time that we get together and do something about it. Remember that you don’t have to be an expert in order to be helpful to those in need. You do not need to know all the answers. We just want you to be there for us.
That’s all I have for you guys today. Please remember to like, comment, and subscribe, it really helps me out. Also don’t forget to have an amazing Friday full of sunshine and unicorns and rainbows!
Disclaimer: I will never edit my pictures in a way that misrepresents my natural weight and body type. Some Links may be affiliate links. All opinions are my own.